The Seasons Change and So Do I

One observation I picked up on when I was on medication is that my moods were/are directly affected by the changing seasons. I feel any person that has winter as one of their seasons likely deals with the Winter Blues. Lack of direct sunlight, lower vitamin D levels, feeling confined (cabin fever), lack of color (seems like the world is gray, white and brown) are bound to affect a person’s mood. Of course, there are those that find enjoyment in winter, and we may never be able to figure out what is wrong with them.

The four seasons and my moods

Winter

For myself, winter is like having low level depression. It isn’t constant, but is never far off. It is a heavy feeling, like someone turned up the gravity. Going grocery shopping, going to work or anything else where one has to go outside becomes a chore. You have to put on layers, it takes so much time and effort, then you go outside and it is cold and gray. BLAH! I would say during winter that for the most part my moods are stable, it is more about surviving until spring.

When I was on medication, my moods during winter would fluctuate between being stable and crippling depression. It was a deep and heavy depression, everything was a chore- getting out of bed, getting the kids off to school, housework, etc…all took an enormous amount of effort to accomplish. The stability was like the average winter blues.

Spring

During spring my mood elevates. My creativity stirs and the desire to write increases. Color returns to life. Everything feels reborn and new. Increased energy levels, walks along the canal, hiking through trails, etc…. I usually start writing more as my brain buzzes with fresh ideas.

When I was on medication all the above was true, it was just that everything was so much more. Colors more vibrant, thoughts more grand, energy higher. But during spring my moods would start shifting. One day I would feel great, the next I would be barely able to function. For the most part though, my mood was positively elevated.

Summer

During summer I write a lot. I try to take daily walks and must remain active or otherwise being productive. Amy (my wife) and I hike regularly and try to going camping a few times. The overall theme would be high energy, doing or accomplishing something.

While on medication this was the worst season for me. I had always loved summer, everything about it, but the meds took almost all of that love from me. For starters, I could not be in direct sunlight. One of my meds had a “no direct sunlight” warning, which much to my chagrin, I ignored. Over the next three days I was covered in itchy, little blisters and sweating made it so much worse. So no direct sunlight. Yeah, that takes a lot of joy out of summer.

No sunlight was one thing, but not the worst. My moods would rapidly change, it’s called rapid cycling. I could feel on top of the world and then the next minute feel like complete and utter shit. It would happen daily for weeks at a time, it was exhausting. It always lead to rage. I was just mental and emotionally spent and would get confused and angry. Until the rage blew it’s top, it was like a long simmering volcano suddenly exploding and destroying everything in it’s path. As time went on I learned how to sense when the rage was building and found a really bad way of short circuiting it. Self-harm. Punching something hard, like a brick wall, cutting myself with broken glass I found while walking on the railroad tracks, all soothed and calmed the rage. And sadly, it was the only thing I found that prevented a full rage explosion. Thankfully, now I am so centered, rage no longer resides within.

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year. It is a winding down from a fast paced summer and the stunning colors of the changing leaves add a beauty to the season that the others cannot match. My energy and creativity levels subside. During fall I like to start editing my spring/summer writings. I just like to take in the season, feel the change blowing on the breeze, as the days shorten.

Fall on medication was pretty much the same as without medication. Maybe I was a little less stable, but for the most part fall was good.

Thoughts

I am aware of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I think most people that live in a location that has a winter season deal with SAD on some level. I have learned how the seasons affect me and I try to use that to my advantage. It does help keep me centered and the closer I am to centered, the smoother things runs.

Again thank you for reading. Questions or thoughts, feel free to comment below.