Mental Merry-go-Round

I was diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder when I was 30 years old. That was a while back now, but the experience is still so close to me it feels like I could look back on it like yesterday. The thing is I really do not think I ever had Bipolar Disorder. I endured five years of mental and emotional anguish on the medication Merry-go-Round. It was a hell of a ride. In all honesty I am shocked I survived with my life, my wife and my family still intact. I know many are not as fortunate. Things for me only turned around when I took control of my treatment.

The way I took control of my situation I would never recommend to another person suffering with mental health issues. It was after my second ever visit to the Psych ward, both occurrences having happened after being diagnosed and put on medication, that I decide enough was enough. I was taking about two dozen pills a day, you know, this one twice a day, this one three times, etc… half of the pills were to combat side effects from the other half. It got to the point that I became numb, I could not feel anything, I was a flat line. You could tell me my mother had died or I had just won the lottery, I would not have had any reaction. I had always been a person that lived on my emotions, for right or wrong, my emotions carried me. Being essentially dead inside was more than I could take. So I took a shitload of sleeping pills and drank a pot of coffee, telling my wife I made an Irish coffee…I just wanted to feel something.

Next thing I know I am in an ambulance, then I fade out again, now I am in a hospital, talking to a nurse and doctor. I am becoming more lucid. I know there is no way I am getting out of going to CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program), where I will be evaluated to see if I need to spend some time in the Psych ward again. I am a quick study though and having been there once, I was not about to make the same mistakes I made before. I mostly slept. When I did interact with the staff or other patients, I was respectful and kind. It was Halloween and my sole goal was to be home in time to take my six year old daughter trick-or-treating. So I played the game and kept calm.

At about noon, or about twelve hour after being brought by ambulance to the hospital, I met with the doctor that could release me or hold me longer. It was a quick visit, you know doctors are always so busy, they have little time and often rush these visits. I was on my best behavior. She said she was going to up my Tegretol and made me promise to take my meds and she would release me. No hesitation at all, I promised. As soon as I could get a ride home, they would let me go. I called my sister, she could be there in about an hour. All I had to do was waste an hour and I would be out and back home well before it was time to go trick-or-treating.

It was during this hour that I called my father. I have no idea why I even called him, maybe just to tell him that I would be coming home soon, but I will never forget what he told me. They are words you would likely never say to a person in CPEP, but they were the exact words I needed to hear. When I said I would be home soon, he replied, “Good. As soon as you get home you should flush all those God damn pills.” I was quiet for moment and then replied, “I think you’re right,” and with that I took control of my treatment.

As soon as I got home I flushed all my pills, ALL OF THEM. Going cold-turkey off all of those pills was incredibly stupid. Then next two plus months were the most difficult of my life. I was a complete basket case. November into January are a blur to me, I remember little. I do remember the brain zaps though; which are difficult to explain and worse to experience. They come about as a direct result of abruptly stopping my meds. Brain zaps are like your mind is electrified for a moment or longer and everything just kind of goes blank, no thought, no sight or sound, just blank unawareness. It could occur while driving or walking across the street and they were wholly random. The worst of the mental and emotional withdrawal from meds was over in a little over two months, the brain zaps remained a problem for more than six months. But I did make through to the other side and have not taken a psychiatric medication in well over a decade.

I would never suggest a person struggling with their mental health or their medications do what I did. It was a horrible idea and I am lucky to have survived. But I do not regret my decision at all, it was what I felt I had to do. I knew I could no longer live the way I had been while taking medication, the meds were killing me from within. I could have thought it out better and tapered myself off the pills, but I was too impatient. I wanted to start feeling better as soon as possible, even if that meant feeling worse first.

I do feel better. I know I don’t fit into the “normal” category for mental health. Whether it is Bipolar Disorder or something else, I cannot say, but I know with certainty that I am 100% better without meds. I have learned how to cope with my issues. I use a variety of techniques to keep a healthy mental, emotional and spiritual balance. I meditate, I smoke marijuana, mostly I keep check of myself and make sure I am not getting too high or low.

I hope to write more often on the topic of mental health, I believe those that suffer with mental illness are the most marginalized individuals and are often unable to effectively speak for themselves. I cannot speak for others, but I can share my experiences and hope to connect with others who have had similar experiences. That is my hope, to connect with others

At this time I have a goal of publishing journals that I kept during the five years I was on medications. I have typed them up, added additional thoughts, printed and proofed them once and I am currently doing a second reading. Right now, I feel like something is missing, that I need to add a section to complete it, but it will be finished soon. Once I am happy with it, I plan on trying to get it published, if I don’t find any interest, I will self-publish. It is a story I feel is worth sharing.

Hopefully this post is just the beginning of me writing about mental health. I look forward to writing about the many different aspects of mental health and illness.

Thank you for reading and if you have any questions or thoughts please feel free to comment below.